Silver Linings

Bleh's on her cell chatting with her mother about scheduling flights for an upcoming trip.

The good news?

Bleh will be on a plane and not here in the near future. No annoying personal calls! YAY!

Cell phones

I don't remember if I've mentioned this or not, but Bleh's been talking less on her cell phone lately while at the office. Until this week...chatty yakky yappy time ALL the time.

MYOB

Another colleague and i are working on a project. Said colleague came over to my desk to ask me about a couple files she had come across and wanted me to look at them to determine if we needed to keep them or not. As we were talking, Bleh, of course, asked us what we were doing and why my colleague had those files.


Heh! I stopped talking, looked at her, and said, "This is a project we are working on. Don't worry about it." Then I went back to my conversation. Bleh didn't butt-in again.

Small, but satisfying.

The Return in Review

Well, she's back. She ambled in lazily this morning, ubiquitous daughter in-tow, 20 minutes late. She brought gifts from her travels to the Supervisor. Nothing for me.
[Yep, I cried for hours. Hours! Not.]

I would say it's weird having her back, but it isn't. Things are very much back to "normal" here. She's still wearing her ill-fitting capri pants and bending at the waist in them, displaying her middleaged wedgie'd cheeks to the world when picking up a pen that has unfortunately fallen to the floor. She's still disappearing for chunks of time to go to who-knows-where, and she's still gushing over the interns like they're her other children. (I guess smothering her two biological kids isn't enough?)

So, yeah, my summertime blues are back. She won't go away for another whole week until next July. Until then, it will be special flexible hours and times off for her, you know, so she can truck her kids all over the place in her hybrid. She'll be going on and on with her yammering on about dance lessons she still drives her college-age child to, doctors visits (with full disclosure about her many ailments and health-related paranoid scenarios), and calls to and from The Husband. You know, the guy who has a PhD but can't make a phone call for himself? Yeah, that guy.

I am very thankful to have a job in this sh*tty economy, but man, the grass is always greener... At least I get one week out of 52 with the sweet silence that is her vacation.

My Eyes! My Eyes!

Yes, Bleh went swimming at lunch yesterday, and yes, she sneezed and coughed and complained ALL AFTERNOON about the effects the chlorine had on her.

This morning she's telling anyone who'll listen about how "great a workout swimming is" but that she's gotta "get over these allergies" she has because it's just so intense. Wow, anything for attention!

It's a good thing weapons are barred here in the workplace because today would be an excellent day to drop an anvil on Bleh.

The hits just keep comin'

A long holiday weekend was simply not enough. Sure, this is a shorter week, but it doesn't mean Bleh is any more tolerable than she is during a regular week.

Today's blathering:

• Swimming and swimsuits. Bleh's been telling everyone in the office about her new bathing suit and how she's going to go swimming during lunch. Readers will recall that Bleh is allergic to chlorine. So why is she excited about swimming? Because she's crazy. I'm sure there will be the requisite wailing and gnashing of teeth later today because of her allergic reaction. I have zero sympathy. It'd be like me rubbing a cat on my face and then complaining I can't breathe. She does something stupid, she deserves the pain.
• Buying clothes for her children. Bleh can't go 2 minutes without talking about her kids. Apparently they have new wardrobes from Old Navy. Yay. Isn't the world a better place now? [Vomit.]

What. The. F*ck?

Bleh's here today! WITH her mother and Mini-Bleh!

Apparently, she's got to introduce her mother to everyone in the office. Huh? Why? To top things off, her cell phone keeps ringing. I guess since she's not working she doesn't mind interrupting everyone else with her visitors and her phone.

Bleh, GO HOME. You took time off to spend it with your family, not inflict them upon us. Seriously, does everything have to be about you even on your day off?!

A new campaign of terror?

Okay, okay... not so much "terror" but definitely annoyance.

As long-time readers know, I usually wear headphones at work to block out Bleh. Anything for my sanity, right? Well this morning she's been interrupting me every 20 minutes either to tell me a "funny" story, open up about her week-long bout of diarrhea* (TMI!), or tell me that she's either going upstairs or leaving for lunch. WTF? I don't care to hear about any of her personal problems or supposedly charming anecdotes, but she's decided I'm going to hear them whether I want to or not!! Have I entered yet another circle of hell?

*I can't make this sh*t up!

Horse-Laughs and Revelations

First, I'd like to thank everyone who reads this blog, especially those who have Blehs of their own to deal with at work. In this wacky economy we can't exactly jump from job to job, especially when no one's hiring. (So no, I'm not going anywhere for now.) (Yay, more schadenfreude!)

That said, recently, I had a light-bulb moment when I read what an anonymous commenter (12:03PM) wrote:

"...in my case everyone else seems to be pleased by my co-worker! I am convinced my co-worker as a serious personality disorder."

Whoa! I'd never thought of that before but in Bleh's case, it adds up!

• She's syrupy-sweet to the Supervisor (and to anyone in any sort of authority), but the juggernaut that is her self-centered M.O. shines through in her dealings with me and other coworkers (who also have admitted disliking her). She's like M1chigan J Frog, but evil!
• She constantly proclaims how great her kids are and how "awesome" their relationship is, but can't bother to take them to the ER, for example.
• Or she'll run around gossiping about the very people she pretends to be friends with at the office so she'll have as much attention showered on her as possible.

Yep, she's BONKERS, but functionally so. I gotta say it's both impressive and terrifying she's managed to keep her job for 5 years!

Oh, I promised something about horse-laughs, didn't I? Well, in a meeting this afternoon with a vendor, she kept inserting off-topic nonsense about her kids into the discussion (like anyone cares!) and laughing her loud, obnoxious horse-laugh at almost everything the visitors said. It was an hour and a half of murder.

Just hold on...the week is almost over...

Reader Question:

"Just curious, is the daughter a mini-bleh? At least she seems to want to be punctual, but on the other hand there is the gabbing. Does she do any work? Does she wear normal clothes or bleh-clothes? Is she obnoxious in her own right? And what in the world do the two talk about so much?"

She's somewhat a mini-Bleh. (I think we'll call her that from now-on, especially since she's now technically a coworker.) I guess she works, she's in the department next door (which just makes it too easy for her to wander over here IMHO). I don't really know. I saw her cleaning shelves yesterday, so they've got her doing something. She wears normal-looking teenager clothes. Her laugh is pretty obnoxious; it's rather like a throaty machine-gun fire. As for what Bleh and her spawn talk about, it varies. Mini-Bleh has been in here 5 times today. Mostly it's banal stuff, but the most recent had something to do with the Beatles. Oh gods, Bleh even 'sang' a bit of one of their songs. Oh, now Mini-Bleh is back --- WTF?

Fortunately, there's a happy hour in my future this evening. Unfortunately, it's a work happy hour and Bleh (and most likely mini-Bleh will too) be there. Forty hours/week is more than enough Bleh for me, I can't promise to enjoy myself. Hopefully a few drinks will make her melt into the wallpaper. I promise not to punch her.

OMG! PROM!!

This prom b.s. is all I've been hearing for a week now. Choice Bleh quotes:

• "My daughter's getting her hair cut and styled, so I can't come to the meeting because I have to see how it's styled and re-do it for her prom."
• "[Bleh reading computer screen]: This dress code for prom is stupid. Boys can't wear kimonos? What?"
• "I can't believe girls wear these dresses with cut-outs in them!"
• and on and on and on...

Sigh. I'm going to take a break now and do some breathing exercises. My patience is pretty short today.

A Change of Position

No, unfortunately not Bleh. She's still right where she's always been -- chipping away at my reason to live with her grating voice at the desk 10 feet away. The change is actually in another department, but comes with Bleh-related news.

One of Bleh's Fat Ass Wednesday pals, whom we'll call Perky, has been promoted to senior secretary. Putting these two in the same square footage is like mixing Coke with Pepsi --- overly sugary with a bad aftertaste. Now that Perky doesn't have to work weekends, I have a sinking feeling she'll be stopping by Bleh's desk more often, not only to weigh-in physically, but socially as well.

I'm sure you're dying to know a bit about Perky, so here goes:

• Hair: Dorothy Hamill circa 1982
• Pants: better-fitting than Bleh's (but then again, who's aren't? Seriously!) but still awkwardly high around the ankles
• Voice: Paula Deen, but higher
• Loves: The Jesus, sending mushy emails to everyone in the office, chocolate, personal fitness, and ponies! (Gods, I can just see her now, holding court at Curves.)

2010 is going to be quite a year... Sigh. Lucky for you...not so lucky for me. Thanks for reading.

The kid

Bleh brought her daughter to work today. I guess the local schools are out for the holidays?? Dunno. Regardless, the kid is here, and yapping, whispering, and general disruptions are my treat today. Oh. Joy.

I wish the Supervisor would say/do something, but she doesn't seem to notice that the kid is even here. This is not a daycare. Unfortunately I can't say anything because then there will be a big blow-up of "Why can't my daughter be here? She's not hurting anyone! Whine whine whine!" and no one to back me up. Why do I have to be the bad guy? I'm not the one disturbing the office.

Bleh really does think she deserves special privileges. And since there is no god, she gets them.

Mother of the Year

Bleh chit-chats with colleagues until 8:30 or so, then says, "Gee! It's my day to make the office coffee!" (And you wonder why I go next door to pay for coffee...) Then she returns to her desk to make a bunch of calls about her kid, who apparently passed out this morning. The Husband has been calling because he's at the pharmacy and is mad and confused. Meanwhile, Bleh has been calling someone else in the office to tell her about some medication the kid is on while fielding multiple calls from The Husband.

So her desk phone AND cell have been buzzing all morning. Finally, Bleh calls the pediatric nurse and tells her what happened and says the kid is probably just fine and has passed out before. The Nurse apparently tells Bleh to take the kid to the ER. (Um, probably something that they should have done in the first place.) Bleh said no, she "wasn't going to do that," and that she'll wait to get an appointment with the pediatrician.

Wow. I am sooooo glad Bleh and The Husband aren't my parents. I'd of been dead long ago.

UPDATE: Now Bleh is telling everyone her kid had a mild seizure this morning! WTF?! Why on earth is she here at the office instead of with her kid at the hospital? Oh, right, because if she were there, no one here would be paying attention to her. I am so saddened by this.

Four personal calls later...

She's making appointments for her kids to see their doctor now. Yeesh.

Oh, and the pilates class business from this morning? She took a "fifteen minute" break to go sign some release form. She came back 45 minutes later. Perhaps she got lost?

If you can't tell, I'm in a fairly foul mood today, and Bleh's little annoyances are HUGE to me.

Oh my god...just SHUT UP!

Bleh's been chatting up the Cleaning Lady for 20 minutes now. Yes, the same person Bleh told me to "call her" to get her out of talking to. Of course, I'm typing this and not calling. Mostly because I don't give a sh*t, but also because Bleh started the conversation! No pity from me.

Bleh's gushing over a cake that the Cleaning Lady brought into the office for everyone today. Of course, Bleh isn't eating any (and has loudly told everyone so) because she's on a diet. Oh, right...the "diet"... And yes, Bleh worked in multiple mentions of her chickens, her farm, and how she accidentally let a tractor battery fall over in the trunk of her car this week. Now battery acid is eating away the carpeting in the trunk of her pretentious car.

Can you tell I've got a short fuse today? One more farm story and I will f*cking scream.

Never ask Bleh how her weekend went

The Supervisor was in a good mood this morning and made a classic rookie mistake: she asked Bleh how her weekend went.

Bleh replied with a dramatic sigh, then launched into a 15-minute story about how she and The Husband are installing tile in their kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room and how hard it is to move everything so the tile-guys can tile.

Oh, whah. Widdle babies had to move some shelves....

I think if those tile contractors are any good, they'll install a tile right over Bleh's pie-hole.

I dunno

Bleh calls to make appointments, refill descriptions, and just chat quite often from her desk. Regular readers know this. What you may not know is that she's a complete idiot while she's doing it. For someone who loves to talk on the phone so much, you'd think she'd have refill numbers, account numbers, etc, ready to go when she makes a call. You'd be wrong.

Instead, she pleads ignorant to whomever was unfortunate enough to be on the other end of the line, answers a bunch of substitute questions to identify herself, or calls back.

She's on the phone right now yapping her way through setting up an eye appointment. Oh, and she can't miss her beloved lunchtime pilates class. Oh no...

Gawd. If this woman was any more of a mess, there would be a yellow caution placard next to her.

"Daddy's gonna be mad...."

Bleh brought the Daughter to work today because there's a day-long lecture series going on. The kid sat around playing computer games for the first couple hours of the day, then went to one of the lectures with her dad. Then lunch happened. Then I took off for one of the lectures myself, returning an hour later to find Bleh and daughter still in the office.

Huh?

It's now an hour later and Bleh has been yapping on her cell phone while the Daughter has been nagging people with questions, pacing, and trying to bully her mother into leaving for the lecture, with sing-song, "Daddy's gonna be mad..." over and over.

The kid gets to miss an entire day of school to "hear" some lectures, and I saw her supposedly leave to go to only one of them. Wow. That's some responsible parenting.

Double Trouble

I guess I never really processed the fact that one of the things that really annoys me about Bleh is the way she repeats words when she speaks.

Today, a friend of hers came by the office to see her and ask how Bleh was doing. (She fainted the other day. Don't worry, she milked that attention for all it was worth.) Anyway, due to the fainting spell (fiasco, drama, whatever), Bleh missed her book club meeting during lunch or something. The conversation went something like this:

Friend: Hi [Bleh]! How are you?

Bleh: Oh, I'm fine. I was so sick the other day. Sick. I hated missing it, but I was sick.

Friend: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You look better.

Bleh: Oh, thanks. I feel a lot better. A lot better. I'm halfway through my antibiotics. I really hated missing book club, but I was sick.

And so on, and so forth. My fuse has been kinda short today. I am glad it's Friday and I'll soon have 48 hours of Bleh-free living to enjoy.