Coffee

Bleh is scheduled to make coffee every week on this day. She, of course, came in 25 minutes late this morning, so there was no coffee made. Seeing as how I wanted some, I went to the staff lounge and began to make a pot. I had everything ready to go, so I pushed the "start" button and retreated to the bathroom right off the lounge.

A minute later I heard the drone of bees. In my pre-caffeinated state it took me a couple seconds to realize it was Bleh. She had shown up and was finally making coffee.

"Well, that's just stupid!" I heard her say. "Somebody doesn't know what they're doing."

I flushed, took time washing my hands and strolled out to see Bleh in her very best Hannukah sweater vest, complete with appliqued dradles. She looked like a bedraggled 1st grade teacher on the lam. She told me I had messed up making the coffee. I guess she just assumed I did it (even though I did), since no one else was around. I said, "Oh, I didn't realize. I'm sorry." But she continued to tell me how poor of a coffee maker I was for the next few minutes, punctuating her condemnations with her grating horse whinnies of a laugh.

Rather than punch her, I graciously refrained, and instead prepared a styrofoam cup with sugar and non-dairy creamer as she blathered on, doing multiplication tables in my head to drown her out. Finally the coffee was ready and I was about to pour it when Bleh mentioned an unopened bottle of half n' half in another mini-fridge on the other side of the building. Now, coffee drinkers know that actual dairy is 100s of times better than non-dairy any day, so no one will be shocked when I chucked the yellowy powder into the trash, filled my cup with hot fresh joe, and headed out to find this unopened bottle of smooth creamy goodness.

I found the unopened bottle right where Bleh said it would be and peeled back the safety lid. I caught a whiff of something a little off, but poured some anyway. I stopped. The half n' half wasn't pouring, it was glopping. It had curdled. A lot.

So, fighting back the urge to be sick, I dumped the spoiled creamer and my ruined coffee into the trash, and headed back to the lounge to start over. Bleh was still there, yapping to another colleague. I told her what happened and she started saying, "I just can't believe it," over and over, as though aliens had landed and stolen my coffee.

I went ahead with my original plan: sugar and non-dairy creamer. I then left the lounge just as Bleh was struggling under the weight of a 5-gallon water jug for the cooler. I would have offered to help her if she hadn't scolded me like a child about my coffee making skills (or lack thereof) or acted like the world was ending when she found out about the creamer. There's two things that really irk me: assholes and over-reacters.

Geez. At least I won't have to deal with her for a few weeks. Dear Readers, Yours Truly will be on vacation on the west coast until early January. Don't worry, I'm sure Bleh will be just as annoying in 2009 as she is now, so be sure to check in in the new year. Your readership is most appreciated!

Dear Bleh: You are not smooth

Dear Bleh:

I thought I'd write this note to let you know you need to work a little harder on keeping your slacking and incompetence on the down-low. When you're yapping on the phone with your 2nd job's boss or the lady at the feed store, it's kinda obvious you're not working. Also, when you play youtube videos and use the speakers on your desk and not a pair of headphones, it's kinda obvious you're not working. And the whole arriving-late-every-day thing? Yeah, that's pretty noticeable as well. Today you walked in the door at 8:15, but stopped to chitchat and whinny that horrible laugh of yours for another 15 minutes before you even put your bag down on your desk. Wow --- a whole half hour of the day, gone, even before you spent another 20 minutes getting coffee. You're good, I'll give you that; however, your ability to be smooth about it is about as suave as George Bush at a Mensa meeting.

Sincerely,
Your coworker

Who is Bleh?

My colleague, who will we call Whiny Baby Doll Voice Lady, or "Bleh", for short. She's having a personal conversation on her cell. This call has been going on for 15 minutes now... This happens daily. Multiple times every day. It's ridiculous how much time she spends at work not working.

Other things that bother me about Bleh:

• Her voice. She's 40 but she sounds like she's 12. Think Jennifer Tilly meets Melanie Griffiths. Stir.
• Her laugh. It's wimpy and insincere. There's a lot of gurgling involved.
• Her husband. He calls her, they argue, they make up. Repeat.
• Her pants. They often ride up her crack. Not pretty. She wears "mom jeans" too.
• Her kids. Her kids are actually sweet; however, the way Bleh constantly gushes on about them is not. Oh, and she brings them to the office all the time, like we're some sort of babysitting service.
• Her personality. While she can be thoughtful, she tries too hard. She often comes across as a kiss-up. It's sad to watch.

Oy. I'm sorry it's come to this. It's been a long day. (I'm currently working hour 11 of 12 today.) Bleh is not a bad person, just a really annoying one who has no clue how to behave in a professional environment. What kills me is she gets away with it and I have to watch.