More fake than fake

Bleh's been out of the office for two days because her 16 yr old son is sick at home.

Usually, this would not raise my eyebrow. However, it's currently a school holiday and The Husband has the days off as well. So, why isn't HE taking care of the sick kid?? Not that I want Bleh to be in the office, but dang, doesn't she realize how transparent she's being?

Doesn't The Supervisor get it? Apparently not.

Oh, the humanity. . .

We've replaced these brains with F0lgers Crystals; Let's See if They Notice

Those of us of a certain age will remember that instant coffee commercial campaign from the 80s. It comes to mind today because of our dear Bleh. She was out sick yesterday with claims of vertigo. She's complained of this malady for years and says it incapacitates her to the point of not being able to move her head at all, lest she suffer nausea and extreme disorientation.

Sounds pretty awful, right? Well, apparently she had time to put her hair in curlers last night and soak in compliments about her wavy hairdo today. I guess the vertigo only affected her between the hours of 8 and 5. Geez.

At least I got a Bleh-free day at work --- see, silver lining!!

Lies Up Until the End

The cleaning lady is retiring. Bleh signed the card for her with this note:

"I will miss our hugs and talks! You are a dear."

Long-time readers will note this is a bald-faced lie, as you know Bleh asked me on numerous occasions to "call" her to interrupt said "hugs and talks" because she didn't want to engage in them since the cleaning lady tended to go on and on and on when anyone made the mistake of saying "How are you?" to her. (Cleaning Lady thought this question actually meant people wanted to hear all about her shit.)

I guess now that the cleaning lady is leaving, Bleh feels free to lie and say she enjoyed said talks since there won't be any more. I think Bleh's just relieved that the person who annoys her is retiring. I wish Bleh would retire. Oh well, at least I won't have to pretend not to notice Bleh trying to get my attention to "save her" anymore. Heh.

Um we work in a massage parlor now?

Bleh's giving a neck-rub to a colleague she's mocked time and time again. Why? Because Bleh's an attention hound and will apparently do just about anything to get it, including rubbing stinky ointment into the neck of a coworker she pretends to like.

I don't get it either.

Thanks, Bleh, for smelling up the place.

Two-Face Returns

Bleh is gossiping in a quasi-whisper* about another colleague's house, saying how disgusting and cluttered it is. (Bleh apparently went over to "help" this colleague move last weekend. What her interior motive was, who knows? But you readers know she had one; she's not a philanthropist.)

Fine, whatever. Gossip away.

But DON'T pretend to be best pals with the person, giving them hugs in the office, and act all nice to their face, then turn around the moment they're gone and yap on and on about the state of this person's house. Yes, the colleague probably has a hoarding problem. The state of their desk is pretty indicative of such an inclination. Hoarding is usually the result of some kind of mental duress or obsession; it's not really the person's fault.

But Bleh has no sense of tact or delicacy; she's just out to get whatever attention she can, despite whoever she may hurt.

Ye Gods!

Do I tell the colleague? Or just stay the hell out of it? It really wouldn't do any good to let Colleague know what a sniping two-faced bitch Bleh is (if Colleague doesn't know already.)

I'm really pissed, so I'm going to take a break now.

*If Bleh really wanted to speak of something secretly, she'd take it outside.

Oh my god...just SHUT UP!

Bleh's been chatting up the Cleaning Lady for 20 minutes now. Yes, the same person Bleh told me to "call her" to get her out of talking to. Of course, I'm typing this and not calling. Mostly because I don't give a sh*t, but also because Bleh started the conversation! No pity from me.

Bleh's gushing over a cake that the Cleaning Lady brought into the office for everyone today. Of course, Bleh isn't eating any (and has loudly told everyone so) because she's on a diet. Oh, right...the "diet"... And yes, Bleh worked in multiple mentions of her chickens, her farm, and how she accidentally let a tractor battery fall over in the trunk of her car this week. Now battery acid is eating away the carpeting in the trunk of her pretentious car.

Can you tell I've got a short fuse today? One more farm story and I will f*cking scream.

I am Going to Puke

Bleh is currently standing in the doorway gushing over the sick colleague. Bleh wants to be sure that not only does Sick Colleague know she cares deeply but that everyone within hearing distance knows too. Also, Bleh made sure to tell S.C. [and the rest of us] that she herself has gone to get tested and (gasp!) has to go back to get more tests due to a 'shadow' having been found on her first round of test results.

I wish Bleh's shadow was in her mouth so she'd just shut up about herself.

I have no words

Bleh's been making multiple phone calls today to various doctors and lab techs, chatting loudly about her test results and scheduling second visits. Apparently she wants everyone to know that she's getting tested for the same malady that unfortunately visited another colleague recently. Oh, and that there was a "shadow" on one of her X-rays.

Usually I'd say this was a smart thing to do; however, in Bleh's case it's just another pathetic cry for attention. I would say I've lost some respect for Bleh, but I never had any for her to begin with.

The Sick Colleague

We unfortunately have a sick colleague in the office. From the complaining, you'd think Bleh was the one in need of medical attention. Ooops, I said the magic word: attention. Bleh's milking everything she can get out of this other person's illness, everything from "Oh, I'm so worried about [Colleague]!" to "I hope I never get what [Colleague] has. I just couldn't handle it." to "Do you think I have a fever? I feel warm."

Yup, even if she's not the ill person, she's gotta keep the attention on her.

Noise Canceling Earphones are Really Frickin' Awesome

Sorry for my absence dear readers. I've been enjoying an interior world of preselected noises, also known as soothing music. Bleh has been bumbling around the past couple weeks but I see no evil and hear no evil. I know you're all dying to hear me "speak" a little evil, so here goes:

• Number of times Bleh has gotten to the office before me in the past two weeks: once.
• Number of times she's gossiped about a colleague, then was nice to that colleague's face: too many to count. (Plus, I had my headphones on!)
• Number of wedgies her pants (and my eyes My EYES!) have suffered: I'd guess 7 or so. She's worn a few skirts.

The phone calls have ratcheted back up. She's been on the phone with various insurance people and pharmacy people and such. She's also had a few very awkward (for me, anyway) calls with The Husband that involved tempers being lost and loud voices. The Supervisor is out this week, so I guess Bleh feels perfectly fine airing her dirty laundry in public. Ugh.

I don't have a title for this post -- I'm too busy chuckling to myself.

Bleh's been cornered by the chatty cleaning lady for the past 20 minutes. This is hilarious because the cleaning lady, while a sweet gal, is the kind of person who answers a simple "How are you?" with her laundry list of life problems. So you never ask the cleaning lady how she's doing -- you just say hello, smile, and keep walking unless you want to get an earful about her ailments, children, or whatever minutia she's got on the brain that day.

Bleh doesn't like Cleaning Lady. In fact, she's asked me to "call her" so she'd have an excuse to stop talking to CL. Here's the funny part -- I'm over here typing and not calling...

I guess everyone has a Bleh. Even Bleh.

UPDATE: Bleh just went to the restroom. She didn't wash her hands. Eww.

Motives?

Bleh's actually been kinda friendly toward me lately. She's chatted me up on various subjects and has been smiling a lot. Either that lazy/bossy husband of hers is finally giving her the pickle, or she's up to something.

I know she'd like to have my job; she's not all that adept at hiding her feelings on that topic. I also know she's up to her eyeballs in debt, another reason she'd like my position -- way more money. She thinks she's the living reality of Working Girl. Kinda sad.

I really don't know what's going on with her, except that she's been sliding back into her old habits lately...the personal calls, etc. I wonder if she's going to be bringing the kids in during holiday break? She's the kind of person whose "short term memory" allows her to revisit old behaviors, and in her mind, get away with them.

I won't be surprised if she does. She already gets her very own special work schedule because of her kids, why not bring 'em to the office? Sigh.

Careless Whisper

Earlier today Bleh was whispering in the office with another coworker, whom we'll call Trish. I don't care about that; it's the looking over at me and whispering that was annoying. What, are we in 5th grade again?

Can she get any lower?

A colleague got married last weekend. Bleh and I were both in attendance. It was an odd wedding in that the groom unfortunately got stuck at an out-of-state airport that morning and couldn't get to the ceremony, so the couple got married over the phone. (Believe it or not, it was still a lovely low-key ceremony; the bride was the picture of grace and composure.) We all enjoyed the reception and the bride seemed to have fun too. The groom supposedly flew in later that evening and they had a ring ceremony then. All ended well, right?

Not when Bleh's involved...

This morning Bleh goes to my sup's office and tells her she's worried about the colleague, saying she thinks colleague didn't actually get married since -- get this! -- Bleh went home after the wedding and checked the airline's webpage for delayed/canceled flights and found none! Gee, that means it's time to start spreading conspiracies around the office!

One, who does that? Seriously --- why "check up" on the groom? If something happened or changed, that's the couple's business, not Bleh's.

Two, now Bleh is now spreading this around the office, upsetting everyone that the colleague's marriage might not be okay, that the groom somehow didn't want to get married, etc.

Bleh, you're a cruel and unusual bitch. Shut up and mind your own business.

F-A-K-E, fake.

Bleh has been making calls to find out about a sick colleague so she can organize the sending of a 'get well' card from the office. This is a nice gesture, but just under the surface, let me assure you, it's not.

Bleh is such a kiss-up that she is making this show of compassion for a colleague she doesn't really like! How do I know she doesn't like her? Easy --- whenever the [sick] colleague starts a conversation with Bleh, Bleh has asked me to "call her" so that Bleh can have an "excuse" to end the conversation. (Conversations usually go on and on about the colleague's aches/pains, etc., so I can certainly see why Bleh would want an escape route.)

[Giant eye roll!] So now I'm stunned to find out that Bleh is leading the effort to be nice to the colleague she finds most annoying! Is there anything this woman won't do to look good? Sheesh. I want to vomit.