STOP THE PRESSES!

Wow, I guess in the 21st century, people don't yell that anymore. Anyway, here's the big news:

Bleh is wearing a pair of pants that DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go up her crack! This is a first! Amazing! I never thought a day would come where I would write such a thing. Sad (on many levels) but true.

Maybe she got tired of having fabric in places fabric shouldn't be? Maybe someone who cares about her told her about her consistent fashion faux pas? Who knows? Who cares? My eyes are not bleeding today and that, my friends, is a good thing.

The First Camel Toe of Spring

Bleh's pants are ridin' up both sides today. Her camel toe is out and proud and told me that Spring will come 6 weeks early this year.
Ugh. Shudder.

The Sweater Vest

Every year Bleh pulls out the same hideous blue Hannukah sweater vest out of the closet and dons it for the annual holiday lunch at the office. I guess the holidays are an equal-opportunity time for anyone of any stripe to wear some really tacky shit.

A little Drama and some Ass

Readers have asked if Mini-Bleh is hot or if Bleh has a nice ass. The answer to both questions is a resounding "No." Here's a visual -- I can honestly compare Bleh's butt to a bag of apples: a small bag with a lot of apples in it with a large crease in the middle. Yuck. Mini-Bleh has a rather plain face, usually with a confused expression draped across it. She's about 19 and has a slender build and fortunately seems to have avoided her mother's fashion faux pas of too-tight pants. Unfortunately, despite her rather normal dress, she's still a pathetic creature who calls her mother "mommie" in public.

Now, let's get down to today's "drama." It's in quotes because it's completely manufactured by Bleh, as is per usual. Apparently a coworker is out today because she is very depressed. Instead of leaving the poor woman alone, Bleh has taken it upon herself to tell EVERYONE in the office this coworker's business, and has even gone so far as to tell (not ask) Teh Supervisor that she was going to go over to the sad coworker's house because she "can't concentrate" and is "worried." This was at 10:30 this morning.

Yes, you read that correctly: The Sup didn't stop Bleh from just leaving the office on a whim, nor did she tell Bleh she'd have to use her leave time to go. No, Bleh is apparently in charge around here and can do whatever the hell she wants. Geez.

While I feel badly for the depressed coworker, I feel even more badly for her because she had to endure a visit from Bleh. What could be more depressing than that? Yikes!

Another day, another wedgie

We all know Bleh can't wear a pair of pants that actually fit her to save her life, right? Well, today she's got on a pair of khakis, part of which aren't seeing the light of day right now, if you know what I mean. Oh, and yep, ye olde panty lines are there, too!

Sure, it'd be nice to tell her to wear some pants that don't look like they're being sucked up her ass, but then she'd know I had looked at her butt. And that would be awkward. Really awkward. It's not that I wanted to look at it, but when she wears such odd things, it's hard not to miss, ya know?

I'm gonna go bleach my brain now.

Post-Turkey Day Blues

Well, the holiday is over, the food coma gone; and it's back to the fluorescent lights, Bleh's many phone chats, and bad coffee. You know, the grind.

You'll love this:
Last evening as I was walking out of the office, I overheard Bleh mention to The Supervisor she had to return a pair of pants because they didn't fit well. What?! Yes, you read that correctly, Bleh returned a pair of ill-fitting pants to the store. Granted, this is only a minor miracle, as Bleh owns multiple pairs of wedgie-showcasing pants, but still, this was worth noting!

Mini-Bleh is back from holiday too. She came in today to whisper to her mother, then to her friend, one of our interns. (Yes, I'm surrounded by them.) I don't know what's more annoying, her visits or her whispering. It's like high school all over again.

Fortunately, it's only a few more weeks before we're off work on holiday again. Perhaps Bleh will take a few extra days off work and give me the Christmas gift of her absence? I won't hold my breath.

Sweater time

Remember back in the 80's when B1ll C0sby used to wear those hideous sweaters on tv? Well, Bleh's sporting something rather similar today. It's tunic-length, with buttons down the front and features colors of black, pink, orange and green. The only good thing about it is the sweater covers her ass. No wedgies (that we can see anyway) today!

Printouts

Um, when I print something on the shared office computer first thing in the morning and you haven't, Bleh, then there's NO reason for you to walk over, pick up MY printout, and read it.

Oh, and Hanukkah sweaters are just as dorky and tacky as Christmas sweaters.

Thursday is Biggest Loser Day

Bleh and two of her comrades-in-banality are having a weight loss contest amongst themselves. Every week, they all pile into the little bathroom just off the office and giggle, take off their shoes and weigh themselves on the scale some masochist brought in years ago. I have no idea if they've actually lost or gained any weight, nor do I care, but I can report that Bleh's pants fit just as poorly as they always do: camel-toe up front, wedgie up the back.

Ouch.

Collection of "EWWW!"

• Bleh is asking a colleague about how to talk to her daughter about sex. Apparently, the daughter has a crush on some boy in her ballet class and Bleh hasn't given her kid "the talk" yet. Eww. Didn't need to hear that conversation, but then, I don't get a choice in this office, do I? Bleh needs everyone to know her business.
• Bleh has, um, graduated from wedgie'd pants to wedgies AND camel toes. I almost lost my breakfast the other day when she came over to my desk and stood chatting, camel toe at my eye level, while I tried desperately to look elsewhere. For the love of the gods! Get some pants that fit!

And....we're back

Hiya Readers! 2009 is here, the air is crisp, the office is well... the office. A little time away always helps the soul recuperate enough to get back in the game and start fresh.

Bleh strolled in 20 minutes late today. Guess her New Years resolution wasn't punctuality. You also won't be shocked to learn the sweater she's sporting today is a danger to eyesight everywhere. It's black with large multicolored pink and orange blotches. Unfortunately it's not long enough to cover her requisite wedgie. Oh, and her hacking cough is stronger and louder than ever. Eww.

She hasn't done anything particularly egregious today, but I'm not complaining. I know some readers balked at my decided non-reaction to her staff lounge hi-jinx last month, but I have to be honest, reacting to her is what she wants. I've found if I simply don't emotionally respond to her, she usually stops being obnoxious to me. It's my zen way of dealing with her --- she's awful, but I just remember she doesn't affect me emotionally. It's how I deal.

Does this mean she'll never learn to be a mature adult or to stop being so damned annoying? Probably, but it's not my job to educate her. Her "Eliza Doolittle" shtick can suck it. Besides, this delicious chunk o' internet schadenfreude you're enjoying wouldn't exist. And I'll be frank: writing about her gets her out of my system faster than any middle finger or childish prank ever could.

Coffee

Bleh is scheduled to make coffee every week on this day. She, of course, came in 25 minutes late this morning, so there was no coffee made. Seeing as how I wanted some, I went to the staff lounge and began to make a pot. I had everything ready to go, so I pushed the "start" button and retreated to the bathroom right off the lounge.

A minute later I heard the drone of bees. In my pre-caffeinated state it took me a couple seconds to realize it was Bleh. She had shown up and was finally making coffee.

"Well, that's just stupid!" I heard her say. "Somebody doesn't know what they're doing."

I flushed, took time washing my hands and strolled out to see Bleh in her very best Hannukah sweater vest, complete with appliqued dradles. She looked like a bedraggled 1st grade teacher on the lam. She told me I had messed up making the coffee. I guess she just assumed I did it (even though I did), since no one else was around. I said, "Oh, I didn't realize. I'm sorry." But she continued to tell me how poor of a coffee maker I was for the next few minutes, punctuating her condemnations with her grating horse whinnies of a laugh.

Rather than punch her, I graciously refrained, and instead prepared a styrofoam cup with sugar and non-dairy creamer as she blathered on, doing multiplication tables in my head to drown her out. Finally the coffee was ready and I was about to pour it when Bleh mentioned an unopened bottle of half n' half in another mini-fridge on the other side of the building. Now, coffee drinkers know that actual dairy is 100s of times better than non-dairy any day, so no one will be shocked when I chucked the yellowy powder into the trash, filled my cup with hot fresh joe, and headed out to find this unopened bottle of smooth creamy goodness.

I found the unopened bottle right where Bleh said it would be and peeled back the safety lid. I caught a whiff of something a little off, but poured some anyway. I stopped. The half n' half wasn't pouring, it was glopping. It had curdled. A lot.

So, fighting back the urge to be sick, I dumped the spoiled creamer and my ruined coffee into the trash, and headed back to the lounge to start over. Bleh was still there, yapping to another colleague. I told her what happened and she started saying, "I just can't believe it," over and over, as though aliens had landed and stolen my coffee.

I went ahead with my original plan: sugar and non-dairy creamer. I then left the lounge just as Bleh was struggling under the weight of a 5-gallon water jug for the cooler. I would have offered to help her if she hadn't scolded me like a child about my coffee making skills (or lack thereof) or acted like the world was ending when she found out about the creamer. There's two things that really irk me: assholes and over-reacters.

Geez. At least I won't have to deal with her for a few weeks. Dear Readers, Yours Truly will be on vacation on the west coast until early January. Don't worry, I'm sure Bleh will be just as annoying in 2009 as she is now, so be sure to check in in the new year. Your readership is most appreciated!

More than one Pair

More than one pair of culottes, that is. Bleh not only owns a pair of khaki 'lottes, she also has a culotte outfit. It's pink and, at first glance, appears to be a 2-piece dress (blouse & skirt). However, when she does her odd horsey walk down the hall, it becomes quite clear it's not a skirt she's wearing. Thankfully it's billowy enough to prevent her from sporting her usual lift-and-separate butt cleavage. Eww.

Fashion?

Bleh is wearing culottes today (anyone remember those?). Of course, they're going up her butt. I wonder if she only purchases pants that go up her ass?

Skirting the Issue

Bleh has been wearing skirts and dresses all week, so the wedgie report is unknown at this time. Her wonky walk, however, is even more so since the skirt swishes back and forth with each step, magnifying the odd up & down motion of her gait.

Bending from the waist is bad for you...

Isn't it? Another trivial tidbit for your collection: Bleh does not bend at the knees to pick things up off the floor. No, she bends over from the waist. Oh, and she always bends over so that her ass is facing me. Gee, thanks. At least she's wearing a skirt today...I didn't get an eyeful of wedgie. Eww.

In other news, the Sup told me she has spoken to Bleh about her many annoying/unprofessional habits and that Bleh agreed to stop taking/making so many personal calls, stop bringing the kids in all the damn time, and stop vanishing for coffee for 20 or more minutes first thing in the morning.

So far today, Bleh has taken/made five personal calls, took a half hour (!) for coffee at 8:15 this morning, and the kids have come in twice. I understand that change takes a little time, but damn, from my viewpoint, NOTHING has changed.