The Supervisor

Over the years many readers have asked about The Supervisor and what her deal is. (Dear gods, this situation has been going on for years! I need a minute...okay, I'm back.) She avoids conflict at all costs, hence Bleh's ability to get away with just about anything*. I learned recently that the Sup did not even want to become head of my department (this happened before I started working here) and that the Head Honcho basically moved her into that position.

Great. So what I've wondered about for years has been confirmed---I've got a timid (or apathetic?) supervisor on the one hand, and a functionally crazy person spazzing all over the office spewing narcissistic drama on the other. Lucky me sits in-between them. A colleague of mine who works in another department and knows firsthand of Bleh's special brand of Teh Crazy, told me to keep a log of all the nut-job things she does so  there would be a record in case Bleh gets let go for incompetence and decides to sue when the new Head Honcho comes later this summer.

In the good news corner: I didn't catch Mono. At least I don't think I did. Also, I had a phone interview last week regarding a very promising job elsewhere. We'll see if it scores me an in-person interview...

Today's Pants Report: Yep, wedgie. How does she wear those pants all day without screaming?

*Special hours, leaving during the day for random personal reasons, in-office babysitting, texting all day, etc.

STOP THE PRESSES!

Wow, I guess in the 21st century, people don't yell that anymore. Anyway, here's the big news:

Bleh is wearing a pair of pants that DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go up her crack! This is a first! Amazing! I never thought a day would come where I would write such a thing. Sad (on many levels) but true.

Maybe she got tired of having fabric in places fabric shouldn't be? Maybe someone who cares about her told her about her consistent fashion faux pas? Who knows? Who cares? My eyes are not bleeding today and that, my friends, is a good thing.

The First Camel Toe of Spring

Bleh's pants are ridin' up both sides today. Her camel toe is out and proud and told me that Spring will come 6 weeks early this year.
Ugh. Shudder.

A little Drama and some Ass

Readers have asked if Mini-Bleh is hot or if Bleh has a nice ass. The answer to both questions is a resounding "No." Here's a visual -- I can honestly compare Bleh's butt to a bag of apples: a small bag with a lot of apples in it with a large crease in the middle. Yuck. Mini-Bleh has a rather plain face, usually with a confused expression draped across it. She's about 19 and has a slender build and fortunately seems to have avoided her mother's fashion faux pas of too-tight pants. Unfortunately, despite her rather normal dress, she's still a pathetic creature who calls her mother "mommie" in public.

Now, let's get down to today's "drama." It's in quotes because it's completely manufactured by Bleh, as is per usual. Apparently a coworker is out today because she is very depressed. Instead of leaving the poor woman alone, Bleh has taken it upon herself to tell EVERYONE in the office this coworker's business, and has even gone so far as to tell (not ask) Teh Supervisor that she was going to go over to the sad coworker's house because she "can't concentrate" and is "worried." This was at 10:30 this morning.

Yes, you read that correctly: The Sup didn't stop Bleh from just leaving the office on a whim, nor did she tell Bleh she'd have to use her leave time to go. No, Bleh is apparently in charge around here and can do whatever the hell she wants. Geez.

While I feel badly for the depressed coworker, I feel even more badly for her because she had to endure a visit from Bleh. What could be more depressing than that? Yikes!

Another day, another wedgie

We all know Bleh can't wear a pair of pants that actually fit her to save her life, right? Well, today she's got on a pair of khakis, part of which aren't seeing the light of day right now, if you know what I mean. Oh, and yep, ye olde panty lines are there, too!

Sure, it'd be nice to tell her to wear some pants that don't look like they're being sucked up her ass, but then she'd know I had looked at her butt. And that would be awkward. Really awkward. It's not that I wanted to look at it, but when she wears such odd things, it's hard not to miss, ya know?

I'm gonna go bleach my brain now.

The Return in Review

Well, she's back. She ambled in lazily this morning, ubiquitous daughter in-tow, 20 minutes late. She brought gifts from her travels to the Supervisor. Nothing for me.
[Yep, I cried for hours. Hours! Not.]

I would say it's weird having her back, but it isn't. Things are very much back to "normal" here. She's still wearing her ill-fitting capri pants and bending at the waist in them, displaying her middleaged wedgie'd cheeks to the world when picking up a pen that has unfortunately fallen to the floor. She's still disappearing for chunks of time to go to who-knows-where, and she's still gushing over the interns like they're her other children. (I guess smothering her two biological kids isn't enough?)

So, yeah, my summertime blues are back. She won't go away for another whole week until next July. Until then, it will be special flexible hours and times off for her, you know, so she can truck her kids all over the place in her hybrid. She'll be going on and on with her yammering on about dance lessons she still drives her college-age child to, doctors visits (with full disclosure about her many ailments and health-related paranoid scenarios), and calls to and from The Husband. You know, the guy who has a PhD but can't make a phone call for himself? Yeah, that guy.

I am very thankful to have a job in this sh*tty economy, but man, the grass is always greener... At least I get one week out of 52 with the sweet silence that is her vacation.

Post-Turkey Day Blues

Well, the holiday is over, the food coma gone; and it's back to the fluorescent lights, Bleh's many phone chats, and bad coffee. You know, the grind.

You'll love this:
Last evening as I was walking out of the office, I overheard Bleh mention to The Supervisor she had to return a pair of pants because they didn't fit well. What?! Yes, you read that correctly, Bleh returned a pair of ill-fitting pants to the store. Granted, this is only a minor miracle, as Bleh owns multiple pairs of wedgie-showcasing pants, but still, this was worth noting!

Mini-Bleh is back from holiday too. She came in today to whisper to her mother, then to her friend, one of our interns. (Yes, I'm surrounded by them.) I don't know what's more annoying, her visits or her whispering. It's like high school all over again.

Fortunately, it's only a few more weeks before we're off work on holiday again. Perhaps Bleh will take a few extra days off work and give me the Christmas gift of her absence? I won't hold my breath.

A few things...

1. Bleh brought her kid to work a couple times last week during Spring Bre@k. I found out surreptitiously that this is because the kid has no friends in high school, and therefore no place to go when school's out. While quite sad, that's no reason to have her here. I kinda feel bad for the kid -- let's just hope she doesn't turn into some kind of "Norma" Bates one day.
2. Bleh has started this new annoying thing whereby instead of chatting loudly, she and her fellow annoying colleagues whisper loudly at her desk, then "try" to stiffle giggles about whatever it is. Wow.
3. Turns out Bleh & Fam did not go sailing this weekend. Too windy. I was passively told this as Bleh yapped it out to the Supervisor this morning 4 feet from me. Oh! I shed but a single tear.
4. Her ill-fitting pants are at a new low (or high?) today. Black, with short inseam and horribly visible pantylines, and ass-clumpage. Yeah, I don't know what that means either--- my mind is just throwing out vocabulary to block the image.
5. Bleh's leaving early today! Yay! All is not lost.

Sweater time

Remember back in the 80's when B1ll C0sby used to wear those hideous sweaters on tv? Well, Bleh's sporting something rather similar today. It's tunic-length, with buttons down the front and features colors of black, pink, orange and green. The only good thing about it is the sweater covers her ass. No wedgies (that we can see anyway) today!

Camel-Toe Capris

Yes, Bleh is wearing her most ill-fitting pants today, a pair of khaki capris. Not only does she have a painfully high wedgie, but she's sporting a full-on camel toe up front. She came over to my desk to ask about a report earlier, and I had trouble concentrating; the camel toe was so disgusting.

The kid

Bleh's on the phone with someone discussing her son. Apparently he got mad at someone at school or got into a fight and is in trouble...? Of course, Bleh has no problem having this personal conversation loudly and publicly. Supposedly he won't be suspended for whatever he did, but he is in trouble. Hmmm. If Bleh was my mother, I'd be an angry kid, too.

UPDATES:

Bleh gave up on blogging about her weight. She couldn't get it. Go figure. However, she's still wearing pants with wedgies and bending at the waist whenever she needs to pick something up. Oy.

The soiree at her cave got moved to another date. I have another committment, so I can't go. I will ask others who do go to let me know if anything bizarre happens.

Dear Bleh...

...when one must reach to the floor to pick up something one has dropped, one should not bend from the waist. Ever.

Instead, bend at the knees. It's not only better for you, but better for the now scarred-for-life eyes of your colleagues.

It's fat-ass day, again

Bleh and her pal, whose fake name I don't remember, are still on their 'diets' and are weighing in on the scale in the bathroom. Do they do this quietly or in a dignified manner? Hell no. Squeals, giggles, and pronouncements of weight loss/gain are par for the course.

I wonder what would happen were the scale to mysteriously disappear...? Eh, it wouldn't matter. Bleh still won't buy pants that don't cleave her ass in half, regardless of how many pounds she may lose.

Thursday is Biggest Loser Day

Bleh and two of her comrades-in-banality are having a weight loss contest amongst themselves. Every week, they all pile into the little bathroom just off the office and giggle, take off their shoes and weigh themselves on the scale some masochist brought in years ago. I have no idea if they've actually lost or gained any weight, nor do I care, but I can report that Bleh's pants fit just as poorly as they always do: camel-toe up front, wedgie up the back.

Ouch.

Collection of "EWWW!"

• Bleh is asking a colleague about how to talk to her daughter about sex. Apparently, the daughter has a crush on some boy in her ballet class and Bleh hasn't given her kid "the talk" yet. Eww. Didn't need to hear that conversation, but then, I don't get a choice in this office, do I? Bleh needs everyone to know her business.
• Bleh has, um, graduated from wedgie'd pants to wedgies AND camel toes. I almost lost my breakfast the other day when she came over to my desk and stood chatting, camel toe at my eye level, while I tried desperately to look elsewhere. For the love of the gods! Get some pants that fit!

SHEEEEEEE'S BAAAAAAAAAAAACK

And just like that: my peace and quiet is over. The pants have never been more ill-fitting, the gossipy chitchat has never been more annoying, and the coffee "breaks" have never been longer.

Presently, Bleh and a colleague are talking about their daughters' ballet classes. I just put on headphones and cranked it up, so I can't give you the gory details. A possible bright spot for me: I may be in line, perhaps, for an office. An office with a door. In 18 months.

Oh, the small goals we cling to...

A Pift is just a Pift

Reason #463 it's a bad idea to have a bathroom inside the office:

Bleh's farts are clearly audible from 20 feet away. Eww.

There is a silver lining however! She actually washed her hands! (Or, at least she turned the faucet on.) To top things off, she's wearing her best "mom khakis" featuring a painful looking wedgie. Thankfully we have a long holiday weekend. Only 6 more hours to go...

Those poor pants

If her wedgie were any higher today, it'd poke through her guts and out her belly button. Yikes. To make things worse, this particular pair of pants has tapered legs. Yay. The eye immediately is drawn to her overemphasized pants-suctioning ass. I should get hazard pay for this.

Noise Canceling Earphones are Really Frickin' Awesome

Sorry for my absence dear readers. I've been enjoying an interior world of preselected noises, also known as soothing music. Bleh has been bumbling around the past couple weeks but I see no evil and hear no evil. I know you're all dying to hear me "speak" a little evil, so here goes:

• Number of times Bleh has gotten to the office before me in the past two weeks: once.
• Number of times she's gossiped about a colleague, then was nice to that colleague's face: too many to count. (Plus, I had my headphones on!)
• Number of wedgies her pants (and my eyes My EYES!) have suffered: I'd guess 7 or so. She's worn a few skirts.

The phone calls have ratcheted back up. She's been on the phone with various insurance people and pharmacy people and such. She's also had a few very awkward (for me, anyway) calls with The Husband that involved tempers being lost and loud voices. The Supervisor is out this week, so I guess Bleh feels perfectly fine airing her dirty laundry in public. Ugh.

Well look what the cat dragged in...

Bleh was here at 8:05 today! This is surely a sign of the coming apocalypse; however, I think it's really just a fluke. Wedgie Watchers will be happy to know she's wearing her most cleavage-making pants today -- the brown denim that actually lifts and separates both butt cheeks and shows her pantylines, thereby making each cheek its own mini ass. Yikes!

Bleh and The Husband bought a new hybrid last week to replace the one they lost in the accident. (Yes, they're "green;" unfortunately that doesn't make up for the stupidity they display in every other area of their lives.) Of course, he had to call her and get mad that she wasn't ready to leave the office at 3pm sharp (when he was) to go get said new car. [Best Southern accent:] Ah just looooove listen'en to them two fight on the phone. It's so romantical... Sigh. [PUKE!]

She has, of course, told each person in the office individually all about the new car. So I got to hear the story at least 3 times yesterday (I managed to put in a quiet few hours in the front office after lunch). Soon the magic will wear off and the suckitude of having made car payments on a now-totaled vehicle for the past year and a half will hit. Ouch.