Horse-Laughs and Revelations

First, I'd like to thank everyone who reads this blog, especially those who have Blehs of their own to deal with at work. In this wacky economy we can't exactly jump from job to job, especially when no one's hiring. (So no, I'm not going anywhere for now.) (Yay, more schadenfreude!)

That said, recently, I had a light-bulb moment when I read what an anonymous commenter (12:03PM) wrote:

"...in my case everyone else seems to be pleased by my co-worker! I am convinced my co-worker as a serious personality disorder."

Whoa! I'd never thought of that before but in Bleh's case, it adds up!

• She's syrupy-sweet to the Supervisor (and to anyone in any sort of authority), but the juggernaut that is her self-centered M.O. shines through in her dealings with me and other coworkers (who also have admitted disliking her). She's like M1chigan J Frog, but evil!
• She constantly proclaims how great her kids are and how "awesome" their relationship is, but can't bother to take them to the ER, for example.
• Or she'll run around gossiping about the very people she pretends to be friends with at the office so she'll have as much attention showered on her as possible.

Yep, she's BONKERS, but functionally so. I gotta say it's both impressive and terrifying she's managed to keep her job for 5 years!

Oh, I promised something about horse-laughs, didn't I? Well, in a meeting this afternoon with a vendor, she kept inserting off-topic nonsense about her kids into the discussion (like anyone cares!) and laughing her loud, obnoxious horse-laugh at almost everything the visitors said. It was an hour and a half of murder.

Wednesday is Fat Ass Day

Every Wednesday morning, Bleh feigns resistance as two of her giggly colleague pals drag her to the community bathroom to weigh in. There's a big ta-do of "OMG! I gained 2 pounds!" "Oh no, this scale is awful!" and "I totally ate too much last night!"

A chorus of middle-aged ninnies obnoxiously blathering on about their weight so EVERYONE within a 2-mile radius can hear.

Gods. I'd give 2 lbs of my own flesh if they'd just shut up.

I thought I'd get a day away...but I didn't.

Bleh came in 40 mins late this morning. I was really hoping she'd just not show up at all. Turns out she was working on stuff for her 2nd job last night and was tired.

Of course, I know all this because she has to make a grand entrance, telling everyone, "I'm here! I'm a lazybones."

Who says that? Fairytale characters and Bleh, I suppose.

I thought she had quit her 2nd job, but apparently not. She's run off now to get coffee. Of course.

Double Trouble

I guess I never really processed the fact that one of the things that really annoys me about Bleh is the way she repeats words when she speaks.

Today, a friend of hers came by the office to see her and ask how Bleh was doing. (She fainted the other day. Don't worry, she milked that attention for all it was worth.) Anyway, due to the fainting spell (fiasco, drama, whatever), Bleh missed her book club meeting during lunch or something. The conversation went something like this:

Friend: Hi [Bleh]! How are you?

Bleh: Oh, I'm fine. I was so sick the other day. Sick. I hated missing it, but I was sick.

Friend: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You look better.

Bleh: Oh, thanks. I feel a lot better. A lot better. I'm halfway through my antibiotics. I really hated missing book club, but I was sick.

And so on, and so forth. My fuse has been kinda short today. I am glad it's Friday and I'll soon have 48 hours of Bleh-free living to enjoy.

Phone Love

It was almost the end of the day, but Bleh and The Husband managed to work in a very heated argument over the phone so that everyone in the office could hear*. They were disagreeing about something they had to buy for one of the kids and Bleh's voice kept getting louder and louder. Finally she snapped her cellphone shut on him and breathed a loud sigh.

The rest of us just kind of looked at each other awkwardly and mentally willed the clock to move forward so we could get the hell outta there.

*It's just not worth arguing if no one's around to listen!

Hey Everybody! It's whispering time again!

Bleh's daughter is upset about something. She's been in and out of the office all day, so has The Son. Daughter huffed off to the bathroom, then went to the water cooler when she came out. Bleh went over to her, bent down, and asked her in a loud whisper, "What's the matter?"

Whispering AND Bleh's big ass in the air. Geez, whatever did I do to deserve all this?

Now Bleh and The Daughter are leaving the office to go chat about their feelings or something. Jesus! Why aren't the kids over at The Husband's office today?

Improper much?

Bleh just got a call from someone's prospective employer, asking Bleh as a job reference about said someone's credentials. Bleh said the usual stuff about that person's work habits, et al, but then Bleh started talking about how that person had a kid, was divorced, and had some odd political beliefs.

Yeeesh! I almost feel bad for whoever that someone is, but she was apparently dumb enough to trust Bleh on this so I'm having trouble feeling any sympathy.

Note to the WORLD: Don't ask Bleh to be your job reference! Not only will her treacly voice be a turn-off to your future employer, but she'll tell him or her all kinds of personal information about you that they're not supposed to ask!

Gollum

Remember Gollum, from the Lord of the Rings movies? The computer-generated character who had an annoyingly cutesy voice and a horrible hacking cough?

I ask because Bleh has both of those characteristics as well. Besides her ever-present little girl voice, she's had a bizarre, phlegm-y cough for months now. Don't worry ---- I wash my hands often and have taken a vow never to eat anything she provides or makes ever again. I learned that lesson the hard way. We have an office potluck coming up soon; I won't be eating anything from Bleh's kitchen.

A moment's peace

No peace for me. Even when I escape Bleh in the office, she's on duty at the desk the same time I am. I can't win.

This May, I secretly plan to rearrange some cabinets and bookcases to create a barrier between herself and me. No, it won't help against the zillion phone calls she yaps all day, but at least I won't have to see her. Small victories, people. Small victories.

Argh!

Right now Bleh is having a conversation with someone named "Mike" about something he wrote. This is not what's annoying me. It's the VERY LOUD VOICE Bleh is using to talk to this jerkoff.

Who is Bleh?

My colleague, who will we call Whiny Baby Doll Voice Lady, or "Bleh", for short. She's having a personal conversation on her cell. This call has been going on for 15 minutes now... This happens daily. Multiple times every day. It's ridiculous how much time she spends at work not working.

Other things that bother me about Bleh:

• Her voice. She's 40 but she sounds like she's 12. Think Jennifer Tilly meets Melanie Griffiths. Stir.
• Her laugh. It's wimpy and insincere. There's a lot of gurgling involved.
• Her husband. He calls her, they argue, they make up. Repeat.
• Her pants. They often ride up her crack. Not pretty. She wears "mom jeans" too.
• Her kids. Her kids are actually sweet; however, the way Bleh constantly gushes on about them is not. Oh, and she brings them to the office all the time, like we're some sort of babysitting service.
• Her personality. While she can be thoughtful, she tries too hard. She often comes across as a kiss-up. It's sad to watch.

Oy. I'm sorry it's come to this. It's been a long day. (I'm currently working hour 11 of 12 today.) Bleh is not a bad person, just a really annoying one who has no clue how to behave in a professional environment. What kills me is she gets away with it and I have to watch.